The End of December
by Michelle Clover
Summary: Loghain recalls how the young woman he married ten years ago went from being his enemy to being the love of his life as he searches for a way to give her news he knows will break both of their hearts.


**A/N- As always, Bioware owns all.**

Loghain Mac Tir sat in one of the overstuffed chairs in the palace's sitting room watching the other people who were present with great interest. He chuckled to himself when his rambunctious grandson smeared gooey melted chocolate all over his father's cream colored trousers. Alistair had been too busy staring at his father-in-law's wife to notice the boy's offense until it was too late.

_Serves the bastard right, _the older man thought.

His blue eyes turned to Elissa who was too busy happily chatting with her step-daughter to even notice the king's pining stares. Elissa told Loghain once that Alistair had propositioned her to run away with him and she flatly refused his offer. Even though his wife was half his age, Loghain knew that she loved him with all of her heart. After nearly ten years of marriage, she had proven that to him time and again. Elissa turned and flashed a bright smile at him, warming him to his very soul.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a small voice next to him. "Grandfather? Will you tell me the story of how you helped beat back the Orlesian forces again? It's my very favorite."

The older man grinned at the young lad with thick dark hair, who suspiciously looked nothing like the king, and patted his knee. "Of course, Maric my boy. Climb up on my lap and I will tell you all about it."

Loghain had related the tale to his grandson dozens of times, but the boy treated every single retelling as if it was his first time hearing it. When he was finished, the young prince yawned and rubbed his eyes.

"It looks like someone is tired" Alistair observed, nearly leaping from his chair.

"I will call nanny to come get him and take him to bed" Anora offered.

The king shook his head. "No, no. That's okay. I'll do it myself."

"Of course" the queen said snidely. "The only time you're willing to be a father is when it's convenient for you. Do as you wish, however, quite frankly your sour mood is putting a damper on father and Elissa's visit anyway."

Alistair rolled his eyes and scooped the boy up in his arms, making sure to throw in a menacing glare at his father-in-law as he did so. "Come now, Maric. Time for bed."

"But I want to hear another of grandfather's stories" the child argued.

"There will be plenty of time for that tomorrow" his father countered with enough sternness to tell the boy that he was not going to be convinced otherwise.

Once Alistair and Maric were out of the room, Anora turned to her father with an apologetic smile. "I am sorry about my husband's behavior. When I received word of your arrival, I had rather thought that he would still be in the Free Marches until well after you returned home."

"He spends a lot of time north, does he?" questioned her father.

The queen nodded. "Yes, I think he has taken a lover in Kirkwall so he spends a great deal of time there lately."

"And you are okay with that?" Elissa inquired with concern.

Anora raised a brow. "It keeps him from bothering me. Trust me when I tell you, whatever keeps him gone from Ferelden is perfectly fine with me. This is merely a marriage of convenience, remember? If we had to stay together in the same city for more than a week we would probably end up killing each other. I think the only thing Alistair and I agree on is our mutual hate."

Elissa bit her lower lip. "I am sorry, Anora, that I put you in this situation. I once thought that Alistair was a good man, but his animosity toward your father at the Landsmeet proved me completely wrong. If I had known…"

Anora covered her mother-in-law's hands with her own. "There is no need to apologize, Elissa. It was what was best for Ferelden." She turned her attention to her father, then back to his young wife. "I must admit, I was more upset when father told me that he was marrying you. Not only are you younger than I, but considering everything that happened during the Landsmeet and the Blight…well, suffice it to say, I began to question his sanity."

"And how do you feel about it now?" Elissa asked.

The queen grinned. "I think that you are the best thing to happen to father since mother's death. You have made him happier than I had ever seen him after her passing. That means a great deal to me."

"And to me as well" Loghain added.

The clock on the mantle chimed the midnight hour causing Anora to sigh. "I hate to say it, but it is getting rather late. I think it is time for me to retire for the evening."

Loghain stood and kissed his daughter's cheek. "Then we will not keep you. Sleep well, Anora. We will see you in the morning."

As they said their goodnights, Loghain couldn't keep himself from committing his daughter's face to memory. She looked so much like her mother. He wondered how she would take the news that he had come to deliver. He and Elissa were set to leave the next afternoon, so he knew that he would have to tell Anora sometime before then. The biggest problem he faced, however, was the fact that he hadn't even told his wife.

After Anora had departed, Elissa turned to him. "Are you ready to retire as well, my love?"

He shook his head as he basked in her radiant beauty. How had been so lucky to win the heart of such a woman? She reminded him of Rowan when he first met the queen. Elissa had the same strength, the same goodness. "Would you mind taking a walk with me in the gardens first, my dear?" he requested.

She smiled and took his hand. "I would love to."

As they strolled silently in the moonlight, Loghain recalled how their love came to be. Elissa had spared him from Alistair's wrath and conscripted him into the Grey Wardens. The very night of his joining, she requested that he share the bed of the hedge witch in order to save both their lives. Not fully knowing why himself, Loghain did as the young Warden asked and they both survived the battle with the archdemon.

After the Blight was ended, Loghain was sent to a remote outpost near the Western Approach in Orlais, while Elissa remained in Ferelden to deal with some problems in Amaranthine. Loghain was angry and bitter about being sent to that remote and desolate place with only a handful of younger Wardens for company. He could think of no worse punishment for his crimes than the one he faced there. Just as he began to wonder if he was ever to leave that wretched place, transfer orders came from Weisshaupt assigning him to Soldier's Peak under the command of none other than Elissa Cousland. At the time, Loghain didn't know which was worse, the cold desert outpost or taking orders from that wretched woman.

Once he was at Soldier's Peak, he and the Commander butted heads every chance they got. They argued constantly for months until one day, when Elissa had gotten completely fed up with Loghain's insubordination.

"If you think you can run this place better than me, why don't you just give it a shot?"

"You know nothing of leading an army. Your strategies are weak. The only thing you are going to do is get every man under your command killed."

"This coming from the man who told his army to retreat leaving the king and hundreds of men to die? I hardly think you have any room to talk."

"I felt that Cailan would have led us to another Orlesian occupation if he hadn't been stopped. Perhaps…perhaps I was wrong in that assumption."

"Perhaps? He was your best friend's son, for the Maker's sake, not to mention your king. How could you even think to do such a thing?"

"I did what I thought was best for Ferelden."

"Did that include allowing Rendon Howe to slaughter my entire family and steal our land?"

"And there it is."

"Yes, there it is. My father and my mother both defended this country against the Orlesians. They were allies…and friends. Why? Why did you order Howe to do that?" Tears began streaming down her cheeks. "My nephew...he was only a boy of six. Howe's soldiers crushed his skull with their boot heels. In what kind of world could something like that ever be justified?"

Loghain sighed and placed his hand on her shoulder. "I never ordered Howe to do that…I never would. I had no idea of what he had done to your family until Cailan told me at Ostagar after you arrived. Through everything, my biggest crime and fault was believing Rendon Howe. I will not ask your forgiveness for what he did to your family in my name, I only want you to know that I had nothing to do with it."

Elissa's face was mired with pain when she finally spoke in a voice that was barely a whisper. "It seems we were both victims of Howe's treachery, I suppose." She covered his fingers with her own while continuing to stare at her feet.

Loghain had spent months trying to deny that he felt anything but disdain for the young Cousland, yet he could never completely shake the feeling that there was something more between them, something much deeper. As soon as her skin touched his, Loghain sucked in a quick breath. That small gesture broke his will to fight it any longer. Part of him knew that he should pull away from her, but the larger part wanted to get closer. She reminded him so much of the young woman he had fallen in love with so long ago, but could never have. Loghain had loved his wife, of course, but his heart never truly belonged to her. He had lost it to his best friend's betrothed long before he met the woman he eventually married. For the first time since Rowan, Loghain felt his heart quicken.

She turned her face upward, her glistening green eyes piercing his very soul, and before he even knew what was happening he bent his head to touch his lips to hers. He thought that she might shy away, that she might even slap him for his boldness. Instead, she pulled him closer into a tight embrace. It was at that moment that the thick wall around Loghain's heart crumbled to dust.

"You have been awfully quiet on this trip, my husband" Elissa observed, bringing Loghain back into the present. "Almost reflective, it seems. I hope it is not something that I have done."

He took her into his arms and gazed into her eyes while caressing her cheek with his thumb. A sad smile turned the corners of his mouth upward. "No…you did nothing wrong. There is something I must tell you, but first, I want you to know that you have been the light of my life. I never thought that I could be as happy as you have made me these past ten years."

Tears began to well up in his young wife's eyes. "This has something to do with the nightmares you've been having lately, doesn't it?"

He nodded. "Yes…I am afraid that the taint is taking over. My calling is upon me."

Elissa shook her head. "But how can that be? I was told that Wardens had thirty years, give or take a few years. I have been a Warden longer than you and I haven't felt it."

"I don't know…maybe it has something to do with my age. All I know is that…it is time."

The younger Warden began to sob. "No, I won't let this happen. There has to be some way to stop it…or at least some way to slow the effects down. You can't leave me, Loghain. I cannot live without you."

He pulled her in closer and kissed her forehead. _Shh, _he soothed. "Don't say that. You still have many years ahead of you, my love. You can find someone else to make you happy."

"No" she wailed. "I don't want anyone else. I only want you."

Loghain's heart was breaking for his wife. More than anything, he wished that he could find words to give her comfort and return the smile to her face. "Like time, the taint cannot be stopped" he reasoned. "No matter how much we wish it to be otherwise. And when your time comes, I will be waiting on the other side of the veil to greet you."

Elissa took a step back and grabbed his hand. She smiled through her tears. "No…I won't let you do this…not alone. If you must walk the Deep Roads, I will be there at your side. Like everything else in the past ten years, we will face this together and go through the veil hand in hand."

"I cannot allow you to throw your life away like that, Elissa."

"The moment we kissed for that first time, my life was forfeit to you. My heart…my soul is yours…forever, Loghain. In doing this, I am not throwing my life away, I am keeping it where it belongs…in your hands."

Loghain knew there was no arguing with Elissa when her mind was set on something. Nothing he could say or do was going to deter her, so instead, he embraced her tightly. As he kissed her with all of the love he held inside for her, he felt an odd comfort knowing that he would die as he had lived for the past ten years, fighting at the side of the woman he loved.


End file.
